Life is a rollercoaster. That is true. The moment I got that positive pregnancy test it changed my life forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my baby angel. Somedays are better than others, it's like I go 10 feet forward and then 12 feet back, I go feeling postive and great and then completley feeling miserable and sad. I know that I can't live life depressed and I won't I know that God doesn't want that from me, He wants me to be strong and happy. I know that there are days that are gonna be sad and I've learned that it's okay to be sad too. I need to heal, I think its been truly hard because I haven't had any closure. We had Jamie buried with Share Burial, and we hadn't been contacted at all about when Jamie was buried, which upsets me, because I really wanted to go to Jamie's burial. So September 23rd was Jamie's expected due date, so I'm going to get close family together and do a ballon release or light a candle in memory of our child.
The hole in my heart will always be the same, but I know that Hope will only grow in my heart and ease the pain. God is taking care of our precious angel and Jamie is perfect in Heaven, I'm always wondering what Jamie is doing in Heaven or if Jamie can see us, and I do believe and have faith that Jamie knows us, and that warms my heart. The hardest thing sometimes is somedays I just feel so alone, the world is moving right on by and everyone has forgotten about Jamie, the world does go on, but I don't want to be stuck in a hole. I want Jamies life to live through me in a positve way. The thing is I don't want people to forget about my child, I dont want people to be scared to bring Jamie up or scared to make me cry. I love talking about my child, even though my child was never born, Jamie had a soul, a heart and will always be my first child. I loved Jamie from when that test said "Pregnant" and only grew stronger.
Each day is a struggle, I'm not the same person I was before and probably won't ever be. With God I know I will grow stronger, with Him by my side anything is possible. I'm hoping me and my husband will be blessed with a baby on the way soon, I have faith that God will bless us with a family here on Earth, I have to be patient even though its hard, but He knows whats best and in His timing I know it will happen. <3
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