Whirlwind

Life is a rollercoaster. That is true. The moment I got that positive pregnancy test it changed my life forever. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my baby angel. Somedays are better than others, it's like I go 10 feet forward and then 12 feet back, I go feeling postive and great and then completley feeling miserable and sad. I know that I can't live life depressed and I won't I know that God doesn't want that from me, He wants me to be strong and happy. I know that there are days that are gonna be sad and I've learned that it's okay to be sad too. I need to heal, I think its been truly hard because I haven't had any closure. We had Jamie buried with Share Burial, and we hadn't been contacted at all about when Jamie was buried, which upsets me, because I really wanted to go to Jamie's burial. So September 23rd was Jamie's expected due date, so I'm going to get close family together and do a ballon release or light a candle in memory of our child.
The hole in my heart will always be the same, but I know that Hope will only grow in my heart and ease the pain. God is taking care of our precious angel and Jamie is perfect in Heaven, I'm always wondering what Jamie is doing in Heaven or if Jamie can see us, and I do believe and have faith that Jamie knows us, and that warms my heart. The hardest thing sometimes is somedays I just feel so alone, the world is moving right on by and everyone has forgotten about Jamie, the world does go on, but I don't want to be stuck in a hole. I want Jamies life to live through me in a positve way. The thing is I don't want people to forget about my child, I dont want people to be scared to bring Jamie up or scared to make me cry. I love talking about my child, even though my child was never born, Jamie had a soul, a heart and will always be my first child. I loved Jamie from when that test said "Pregnant" and only grew stronger.
Each day is a struggle, I'm not the same person I was before and probably won't ever be. With God I know I will grow stronger, with Him by my side anything is possible. I'm hoping me and my husband will be blessed with a baby on the way soon, I have faith that God will bless us with a family here on Earth, I have to be patient even though its hard, but He knows whats best and in His timing I know it will happen. <3

Fortune Cookie

"The heavy chains of worry are forged in idle hours." That's what my fortune read. It's so true, the more you think about your struggles, the more you worry. The more you keep busy and stay motivated and positive the less you worry.
Worry to me is like posion, it eats at you, the worrying gets so bad that that's all you think about and you obsess over what you were worrying about. After we lost Jamie all the little worries were like fog, they were once there but they vanished. None of those worries mattered anymore, the little worries, like money and what other people think about you, the worries you can't control. I fully trust God in everything I do, and I realized why am I worrying? Really why am I? I have nothing to worry about, I have God. I know I'm not perfect but I know that I can't let worry run my life and I won't let it, I have to overcome it! Each and every day is a struggle, but God gets me through each and everyday <3

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.   PROVERBS 3:5-6

One day I will know....

Lately it's been bugging me not knowing what Jamie was. Is Jamie a boy or a girl? Thats what has been running through my mind constantly lately. When I pray to God I always say he or she, but latley I wish I could know, know whether or not I have a son or daughter up in Heaven.
We decided when we lost Jamie that it was best not to find out the sex of the baby, my husband knew that that would make it harder on me, so I respected his wishes and knew it was probably for the best. Lately I have been just wanting to know and I feel strong enough that if I were to find out I could handle it. Well I had a Dr. appt. today and I grew the courage to ask the Dr. if they knew, I was very nervous to ask because I knew no matter how strong I felt, I know it would hit my heart and I would breakdown, but I just needed to ask so I wouldn't regret not asking. So I asked the Dr. and he said he didn't know, the moment he told me I felt sad, but then my heart felt at peace. Even though we couldn't find out, It was meant to be, and I know that one day I will know.

This poem is by S. Erling

Just Those Few Weeks
For just those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks,
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks...
when I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks...
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks.
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I??
You were just those few weeks, my little one.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life richer
and to give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~S. Erling

In the arms of Jesus.

This is my first time writing a blog, not sure how this blogging thing works but thought I would give it a try. I thought it would be good for me to write out how I feel so this page is dedicated to my son or daughter, Jamie in Heaven and also dedicated to any woman who has lost a child, for my thoughts and prayers are with you.

My husband and I have been togther for 6 years, we just got married last year on May 22nd, and celebrated our first year anniversary this past May. A few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby, we were both ready to start a family of our own. It took a few months, stressful and nervewrecking were those months of trying and not getting pregnant, it didn't take long but as a woman I was thinking I would get pregnant right away, but I stayed positive and wasn't going to give up. I'm a Christian and a strong believer in God. I worried alot at that time but knew it wasn't in my hands and by the 6th month we were trying I let go of my worrying and fully trusted God, and understood it's not always in my timing. That same month, the month of January I got pregnant, I remmeber the exact day because it was one of the best days of my life, January 17th was the day I took a test and it came back positive. I was so shocked, suprised, happy, nervous, and is this for real!? It was finally happening I thought to myself, I was still in such schock that I ended up taking 4 pregnancy tests, I know call me crazy, but I had to make sure.

4 months later we lost our precious baby. I was in my second trimester, 19 weeks along and going to find out the sex of the baby the night that I found out my angel had went to Heaven. I felt like the world was getting dark around me, I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I was in shock, denial, sad, angry, I have never felt so many emotions at once like that before. I wanted to scream, run away from the world, I didn't want to say or look at anybody. I was angry with God, the doctors, myself, even though I did everything right. My pregnancy had been going really well, no complications, I got to hear Jamie's heartbeat ( that was the best sound in the world). It was just so schocking I didn't want to believe any of it.

I turned to God, I can't be angry with Him. I need Him during this hard time, and He did and He still is.I don't know why it happened or what went wrong but I know there was a reason for it and a purpose, it was hard for me to accept that, but God knows best, and I trust His word. I'm not the same person I was before. Some days are better than others, I do have bad days where I just cry to God, I miss and love Jamie so much. I've learned alot of things, I've learned not to worry so much, I know that I can't control everything, I've learned to forgive easily, and not to judge people so quickly, they might be having a bad day too, I can't judge someone when I don't know what they have been through. It still tugs my heart when I look at a pregnant woman or see a baby, I'm not perfect, I have bad days and struggles with this loss but I know I have to get through this, I want to speak about my child, I don't want to shut what happened out. I can't, Jamie is a part of my life and will always be in my heart here on Earth and one day my husband and I will be with him/her forever, our little angel is perfect in Heaven. I can't explain all of the emotions I feel on a daily basis, but it's alot, one minute I could be happy and the next sad and depressed. Sometimes I wonder why God, why? I know that I may never know why it happened, but I know that Jamie's life lives on and I can help other women that has been through the same thing. I know there will always be a part of me that will be sad because I lost a child, and I've learned that it's okay to be sad, and that its normal to feel everything I'm going through, at times I didn't know if it was normal to be feeling the way I did, but it helps to know someone who is going through the same thing, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this.
It's a difficult journey, Its going to be really hard with Jamie's due date nearing, and seeing other women having babies, somethings I see or somethings people say tug at my heart. I've been reading books and listening to music, and reading other women's stories to help me through this as well. I'm hoping I can grow stronger as a woman and as a mommy to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I'm hoping that my husband and I will be blessed with a beautiful family someday here on Earth. I just have to stay strong.