My husband and I have been togther for 6 years, we just got married last year on May 22nd, and celebrated our first year anniversary this past May. A few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby, we were both ready to start a family of our own. It took a few months, stressful and nervewrecking were those months of trying and not getting pregnant, it didn't take long but as a woman I was thinking I would get pregnant right away, but I stayed positive and wasn't going to give up. I'm a Christian and a strong believer in God. I worried alot at that time but knew it wasn't in my hands and by the 6th month we were trying I let go of my worrying and fully trusted God, and understood it's not always in my timing. That same month, the month of January I got pregnant, I remmeber the exact day because it was one of the best days of my life, January 17th was the day I took a test and it came back positive. I was so shocked, suprised, happy, nervous, and is this for real!? It was finally happening I thought to myself, I was still in such schock that I ended up taking 4 pregnancy tests, I know call me crazy, but I had to make sure.
4 months later we lost our precious baby. I was in my second trimester, 19 weeks along and going to find out the sex of the baby the night that I found out my angel had went to Heaven. I felt like the world was getting dark around me, I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I was in shock, denial, sad, angry, I have never felt so many emotions at once like that before. I wanted to scream, run away from the world, I didn't want to say or look at anybody. I was angry with God, the doctors, myself, even though I did everything right. My pregnancy had been going really well, no complications, I got to hear Jamie's heartbeat ( that was the best sound in the world). It was just so schocking I didn't want to believe any of it.
I turned to God, I can't be angry with Him. I need Him during this hard time, and He did and He still is.I don't know why it happened or what went wrong but I know there was a reason for it and a purpose, it was hard for me to accept that, but God knows best, and I trust His word. I'm not the same person I was before. Some days are better than others, I do have bad days where I just cry to God, I miss and love Jamie so much. I've learned alot of things, I've learned not to worry so much, I know that I can't control everything, I've learned to forgive easily, and not to judge people so quickly, they might be having a bad day too, I can't judge someone when I don't know what they have been through. It still tugs my heart when I look at a pregnant woman or see a baby, I'm not perfect, I have bad days and struggles with this loss but I know I have to get through this, I want to speak about my child, I don't want to shut what happened out. I can't, Jamie is a part of my life and will always be in my heart here on Earth and one day my husband and I will be with him/her forever, our little angel is perfect in Heaven. I can't explain all of the emotions I feel on a daily basis, but it's alot, one minute I could be happy and the next sad and depressed. Sometimes I wonder why God, why? I know that I may never know why it happened, but I know that Jamie's life lives on and I can help other women that has been through the same thing. I know there will always be a part of me that will be sad because I lost a child, and I've learned that it's okay to be sad, and that its normal to feel everything I'm going through, at times I didn't know if it was normal to be feeling the way I did, but it helps to know someone who is going through the same thing, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this.
It's a difficult journey, Its going to be really hard with Jamie's due date nearing, and seeing other women having babies, somethings I see or somethings people say tug at my heart. I've been reading books and listening to music, and reading other women's stories to help me through this as well. I'm hoping I can grow stronger as a woman and as a mommy to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I'm hoping that my husband and I will be blessed with a beautiful family someday here on Earth. I just have to stay strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment